How To Survive A Horror Movie: Guide To
by VallyDream
Summary: Welcome to the ultimate Horror Movie Survival Guide. Later chapters will be posted for specific movies. Requests are open. Rated T for gore and blood.
1. Pure Rules

_Q: What was that noise?_

A: Here's a tip: it wasn't the wind.

_Q: Should I go out there and check it out?_

A: Only if you're looking for a quick, messy, but creative demise.

_Q: I really think we should go and check it out._

A: This proves you're actually not thinking. No, you should absolutely not go and check it out. Going and checking it out will inevitably lead to your horrible death. Funny for the viewing audience, not so much fun for you.

_Q: What if we just take a peek out the window?_

A: It's your funeral. And I mean that literally.

_Q: Is that you, Johnny?_

A: No. It's not Johnny. It's never Johnny. Do not date or marry men named Johnny. Do not name your sons Johnny. If your name is Johnny, legal name change forms are cheap. (You can also cultivate an alternate nickname, such as "John-Boy" or "The Johnster" or "Dave.") It's not that I dislike the name Johnny. It's just that you're basically marked for death.

_Q: All right, then, what should I do?_

A: First off, dress for success. If you're female, ditch the impractical heels that you're almost certainly wearing and get yourself some sensible hiking or running shoes. If you're not already trying to survive a horror movie, buy some sensible shoes right now, and get used to wearing them. The break-in period differs from shoe to shoe, and blisters are almost as bad as twisted ankles when it comes to getting away. Guys, you'll also need practical footwear, but the odds of you starting out in three-inch heels are substantially slimmer.

Ladies, there's a chance you won't be able to ditch the shoes, or that ditching the shoes will actually be worse than staying in heels (running across a beach covered in toxic jellyfish, for example). I recommend taking a weekend before the dead start to walk and learning how to run in high heels, flip-flops, and any other style of really stupid footwear that you may wind up wearing to the apocalypse.

While you're at it, learn to run in a variety of outfits, and to do it without looking back over your shoulder. Also, remember that while running in a miniskirt may give the serial killer behind you a good look at your underpants, it's also a lot less likely to snag around your knees as you run. Shorten your skirt at the first available opportunity.

_Q: Are there different survival rules depending on the horror genre or are they pretty much the same?_

A: There are variations specific to each horror genre—zombies remain a threat during the day, while vampires are usually only a problem at night; being female during a slasher flick is often a quick ticket to the morgue, while being a scientist in a giant monster movie is basically bad for everyone within six miles of you. The basics stay thankfully the same.

_Q: Is it true that women have a better chance at survival than men?_

A: Actually, no! Woman has a better chance of survival than man does, because there's almost always a woman left standing when the credits roll, but there's a reason that the stress here is on the singular. If you start with five men and five women, you'll probably have two guys and a girl left at the end. Zombie movies are an exception to this pattern. Sometimes.

_Q: What's your weapon of choice to ensure survival?_

A: No weapon guarantees survival, but you have some excellent options available to you, depending on the situation. Machetes, chainsaws, shotguns, and sporting goods are classic weapons in a horror setting. Remember that improvisational weaponry is sometimes going to be your best solution.

If you suspect you may wind up in a horror movie situation, you should have a basic understanding of common household items that can be turned into weaponry. Please remember that friendly fire is just as fatal as the other kind, and don't pick up anything you don't have a certain capacity to use. Even if you're anti-gun, you should still know which end to point away from yourself.

_Q: What is the best food to keep on hand in case of apocalypse?_

A: The thing to remember is that the apocalypse—whether it be zombies, vampires, zombie-vampires, or all the cars coming to horrible, homicidal life—may go on for quite some time. Perishables are a luxury of a pre-apocalypse world. When you're making your survival packs, be sure to include only canned goods and things with sufficient preservatives to keep them fresh and tasty for years to come (Hostess products are about to become worth their weight in gold). Your all-organic diet is not going to survive the dead deciding to rise up. Just as an FYI.

This isn't technically food, but it's diet-related, so I'm going to sneak it in: also be sure to pack multivitamins and Vitamin C tablets. Modern man has little comprehension of just how horrific scurvy can be. I recommend you don't take the end of days as an excuse to find out. Water purification gear is also a good thing, although it's not quite as necessary, as long as the water supply hasn't been actively contaminated.

_Q: When and how is it appropriate to tell your slow, promiscuous, or monster-bait friends that "it's not you, it's me, we should see other survival groups"?_

A: There is no good time. Sneak away in the middle of the night (but not while it's your turn at watch, because that would be an asshole move). If they're really that bad, odds are good they'll die before they find out that you weren't devoured, you just ditched them. This will, however, mean splitting the party, so you'll probably die first.

_Q: Does "don't split up" override "don't have sex"?_

A: Yes and no. Both sex and splitting up are things that should not be done in inappropriate places while inside a horror movie. (Please note that in American horror movies, sex is always inappropriate if you're under a certain age. I have no comment on this, it simply is what it is.) There are lots of horror movies where consensual sex between adults is unpunished, unless one of those adults had already been infected with flesh-eating bacteria or something, in which case fluid transfer was a really dumb idea.

Splitting the party is never okay. Not even in the bathroom, unless the bathroom has no windows and you're absolutely sure your monster can't come up through the toilet.

_Q: Is sex ever a good idea for bait purposes (i.e. set a trap, and get it on, to draw the bad guy into a line of fire)?_

A: Only if you're absolutely sure the person who's supposed to kill the monster isn't going to get wrapped up in the free amateur porn.

_Q: Once you realize that you're trapped in a horror movie, is it already too late, or can you escape by forcing the movie to switch genres, breaking the fourth wall, using other characters as cannon fodder, or bribing the writers to keep you alive in hopes of sequels?_

A: One thing to keep in mind when you're talking about surviving a horror movie: everyone who's actually in a horror movie is treating what's going on around them as serious. It's usually the people who stop to go "ha ha, the aliens have a gun that turns us into giant vegetables" who are the next to die. I don't care how silly something is, once it's trying to eat you, you need to show it some respect. Screwing around in hopes of turning the situation comic is a great way to escape the movie...in a body bag.

_Q: How do I survive a horror movie without dyeing my hair blonde?_

A: Very easily! Contrary to popular belief, the survival stats for blondes in horror movies actually aren't any better than the survival stats for people with any other hair color, and may, in fact, be somewhat lower, as The Bimbo is always among the first to die, and most traditional movie bimbos are blonde. There has actually never been a horror franchise girl (IE, a female character around whom a franchise was constructed) who was blonde. Buffy doesn't count.

_Q: Is it better to be the Purely Virtuous Woman Who Does Not Compromise (while those of lesser morality get devoured all round me), or the Practical Woman Of The World Who Can Choose The Lesser Evil (while the foolish idealists are zombie lunch, dinner, and tea)?_

A: The answer to this question depends entirely on the decade of your horror movie. If it's the 1980s, the former. If it's the 1990s, the latter. If it's anything made after the year 2001, once the word "woman" comes into your description, you're basically just screwed.

_Q: Werewolves: should we get bitten, is it better to go out fighting, or run away to help spread our new genetic gift?_

A: Please see the section below, on zombies. Also, if you're thinking of getting bitten and running around joining the other side of the fight, please do so in a different time zone.

_Q: How can the short of stature/lacking of upper body strength survive your average night of the living damned?_

A: Run like hell.

When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out. If you choose to do so, take the damn flashlight not the candle! It's gonna blow out!

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them atonce. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.

If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples,except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to the place.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and soon, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Crystal Lake, Haddonfield, any hotels such as the Bates and the Overlook, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.

Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them".

Don't make fun of or play with dead things.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.

When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.

Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.

Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.

People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprisedand delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.

If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are A) either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or B) will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, anddisplay nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, butexpect to die anyways because you are inferior to them.

If you assist the villian of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will comein the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villian wants as their own.

If any animals, such as Birds, Pirahna, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately callin the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.

Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as asecond.

When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on theship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.

When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.

Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or thelake)

If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for thehomicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.

If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons,etc.

If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo youhave, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload)

If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many anti-biotics you take, yer gonna become oneof 'em.

If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people are hunting the monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open, because you willimmediately be mistaken for a/the monster.

Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.

DO NOT go into the dark room.

If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female.

While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.

If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable.

Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.

Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.

If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!

Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.

If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

If the Master does not approve, neither do you.

Never handle the rat-monkey cage.

Your dog can take care of itself..

So can your spouse...

And your kids.

Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.

Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.

Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for the one that actually occurs.

Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.

When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the mosnters' head.

Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a successful demon/devil/monster summoning.

People driven by veangance always die.

Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you killed.

Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.

Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.

Feel no guilt.

If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.

If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.

If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheerup!

If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse/S.O.

If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).

If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or other wise destroy him.

If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run asyou go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not - that's their tough luck.

If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to you.

If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)

If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!

If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.

If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or thehorny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.

If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!).

If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Otherwise, monsters will invariably seek you out, gloat in defiance of"your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.

Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later theweapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the monster.

If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to be found whenyou're being eaten alive.

A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other.

When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Prefferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb.

ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.

ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hideimpervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing!

Always make eye shots whenever possible as all mosters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe ...and if you're reaaalll lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).

Never, ever, ever say you will be right back because you won't be!

If you go to a little town and the people are foaming at the mouth, leave at once!

Women in horror movies never wear bras. If you're a woman in a horror movie, don't bother with the bra. Actually, men, please refrain from wearing bras also..

If you're making a sequel, remember, the death count is always higher.

Always listen to the bike-riding town loonie who tells you that you're doomed.

If being chased by a phsyco killer never ever run up the stairs because you won't make proceed through one of the doors to get help.

If there's ever any question that your significant other might be the killer, don't wonder. They are! NOTE: This rule only applies if another character does not have a crush on you.

If you are ever a new character in a set of sequels, you made a bad career choice. This particularly applies if the main character is a haunted young woman obsessed with some one named Freddy, Jason, Michael, Norman, Leatherface, or Pinhead.

If you ever learn that your parents have assisted in the killing of any serial killer, rapist, etc... disown them and move far away quickly.

If you are running from anyone/thing and you encounter a locked door, DO NOT TRY TO OPEN IT! Instead run on to the next available door or window.

If you ever find yourself in a secluded house and you start recieving strange phone calls, get in the car and leave. NOTE: Babysitters should keanly observe this rule.

Never sign on to be the bad guys henchman. Even if he survives the hero/in will inevitably manage to knock you off.

If you ever realize the calendar says October 31st, of the 13th of any month, and it's Friday, hide in the closet for at least a week.

Never, Ever, Ever, walk backwards in a horror movie. The killer will always appear behind you.

Never have sex, it's a death wish.

Never drink beer or do alchohol or any other form of drugs, a death omen.

Never put make-up on a Good Guy doll.

If you hear a strange noise and a friend suddenly vanishes, expect to die pretty damn quick! !

If you are with a bunch of people always stay together. If you go somewhere alone you are sure to get picked off.

If you're black or overweight, expect to die by the last third of the movie.

When buying your child a toy that requires batteries to run, make sure said toy actually has batteries in it when it starts working.

Stay a virgin if you want to live.

If you even THINK your adopted child might be the son of a jackel or other non-human animal, dispose of him immediatley. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Gregory Peck...

Never cry over the deceased, you become an easy target to the killer or if the dead body turns into a demon or zombie it will kill you.

If you ever find yourself in a town full of zombies, find the nearest black guy around. For some odd reason, black males tend to know how to deal with zombies.

If you find that your parents killed the psycho killer years ago, expect the killer to come and kill you.

If you find there is a curse on your family, disown them, change your name, and move away immedieately!

Don't be the big, tough jock, they always die.

Always believe the killer when he tells you how he's going to kill you.

Never disobey any of these rules or take them as jokes.

Always listen to the old people that sound crazy.

If someone that was a demon says they're ok, even if they look ok,(unless their name is Ash) they're not, so kill them quick!

If someone starts turning their head 360 degrees or more, call a priest.

If you suspect someone has turned to witchcraft, become their friend.

Never join the bloodthirsty mob, it's only an adrenaline rush and it'll wear off, then the mob will be killed.

Never give a Leprechaun his gold coins back to save your life, he'll just get more powerful and kill you anyway.

Only females can really kick the killers ass so if you're a guy just get the hell outta there.

Never use a Ouija board.

If you buy a fuzzy little animal and it has certain rules to follow to care for it, follow the rules!

Never hesitate to kill the killer, it'll only get your killed.

If the killer is wounded, always hit the wound, it's much more painful and easier than trying to make new wounds.

When buying a new house, always get a priest to bless it.

Always check the history of a house before buying it, in case it was built on a cemetary or something.

Never Yell At The Screen Because They Can't Hear You.

If you have a chance to get the weapon, take it and run!

If you open a door to check a room, the killer will always be standing behind the door when you close it.

If your child starts to sing 1,2 Freddy's coming for you and has knives taped to his 4 fingers its time to put him up for adoption.

If your loved one looks like a monster but all of the sudden doesn't don't beleive it because if you do you are bound to die.

If your daughter starts to bounce out of her bed do go to the doctor they will tell you it was a musle spazum, so go to a preist instead.

If you are female, never get all dressed up and go into the woods to look for someone because, chances are, you'll find his/her dead body, scream, attract the killer's attention \ and get killed in some gruesome way.

Never say your wishes to strangers!

NEVER, EVER RUN UP TO THE KILLER! REMEMBER ALL OF THE FRIDAY THE 13TH'S, NEVER RUN UP TO THEM! U WILL DIE.

Never say drinking will kill you if you're a drunk, or you'll get stabbed with your own bottle (same with smoking or drugs).

When running away from a serial killer in a large forest, always make sure your shoelaces are tied and you dont trip on a branch.

If you are running away from a killer, never run into a secluded area like a houe or a hospitol, because the killer can get to you.

If the killer is wearing a mask and looks dead, don't try to pull it off.

If you knock the killer out never go to the other room to to get somebody because when you come back he will be gone.

If you're in a public place (Parade, Movie theatre, party, etc.) and you see someone in the process of being sliced and diced. Do not stand around and watch helplessly. Either offer help or get the hell out of there. Either/Or, but make a choice.

Never demonstrate proficiency with firearms, martial arts, or any other form of self-defense. When the killing starts, you'll get hit from behind.

Never drink the worm out of the tequila if you suspect your house may be occupied by a poltergeist.

Don't try to be the hero it will get you nowhere.

Don't tease or make fun of a monster!

When you're talking about a murder and someone is looking at you, RUN!

If you have the option of running upstairs or outside to avoid a possible sticky encounter that might leave you trapped always pick outside.

Never undress in front of a window.

Never be the fat kid in a horror film, if you are, i suggest you get on the damn phone and call 1-900-jenny. If you have a dog, dont even bother to name it cause its gonna die in a few minutes anyway.

Never under any reason let someone put you to sleep in a movie it is bad news.

If your kid ever talks to there dolls and says they are after people belive them.

Don't ever say whose there...

If you are dreaming that you are driving and you see the killer in the middle of the street, don't try to run him down, you will just wake up and notice that you hit a tree.

If people start getting killed, find the biggest, most open field youu can and sit in the middle of it with a cooler of beer and a shotgun.

If your ever caught trying to run away from the "bad guy" in the woods. QUIT RUNNING! You'll end up tripping and the "bad guy" will get ya. Go and climb a tree!

Well, don't like wait until everyone's dead to kill the killer.

If a child likes you and you're at least five years older than them LEAVE town IMMEDEATLY!

Never run upstairs when you can run outside through the front door.

Never become a toymaker, you'll only end up making a doll that gets possessed by a serial killer or you'll make a puzzle box that opens up a gateway to hell.

Under no circumstances should you get up for a snack or drink after sex. When you return, your significant other will not be as you left him/her. Also, if you are the partner left, get the hell out of the room IMMEDIATELY!

If you take a trip to Texas, never and I mean never stop at a gas station called Last Chance Gas.

Don't eat barbecue that has been cooked by a family with the last name of Sawyers.

Never go in the old micheal myers house or in the camp crystal forest and don't go to sleep when you live on elm street drink lots of caffeine or expect to die.

As a general rule, stay off of dimly lit, poorly made space rigs (especially if the people in the ships visual log are pulling out their own eyes)

If your child has 666 carved in his scalp, stab him with a holy dagger(I know it's hard but it's 4 your own benifit and Gregory Peck's.

Never lose your virginity DURING THE FILM(Scream was a exception)

If and when you have killed the killer/or monster,do not stand over him/her and gloat or linger over the body,when he/she looks as if he is dead,take out their heart and cut of their head in order to assure no more appearances of the killer/monster.

Any Time Your In A Horror Movie, And You Start To Hear Suspenseful Music, Get The Heck Out Of There! Or Better Yet, Kill Yourself. It Will Save You The Torture Of Being Slaughtered.(unless your a female virgin, in wich case don't worry you can't die)

Never try to buy a voodoo 'll kill somebody. Better yet. Don't do voodoo.

If you have a shotgun or some other big gun and your shooting a monster and it has no effect on it, don't just whip out a tiny pistol and start shooting at it! RUN, you IDIOT!

Never hide in the least suspected places because the killer will still find you.

If normal household items (tables, chairs, etc.) start moving across the room on their own, MOVE IMMEDIATELY!

If you see a dead body Do Not Scream it will only get you killed next!

Never ever try to hide from the monster. If you do, your dead.

If someone/something you love dies don't bury it in the graveyard as it will come back meaner and nastier and eventually hunt you down and kill you. (pet sematary)

Never be the villain. The villain will usually die in the end!

If the doctor in your town giggles alot,don't go to him when your sick.

If you se someone chasing you with a knife,run as fast as you can!

Always carry essential life saving items such as a wooden stake, a gun loaded with silver bullets, a cross, a torch, a chainsaw, a sawed-off shotgun...and remember:NEVER RUN FROM THE KILLER, KICK HIS ASS!

Power tools are good weapons.

Never be the asshole in amovie, or you can write your will now!

Always listen to crazy old men who say the area is cursed. You will save yourself some trouble!

If you find that your friend has something weird on his or her face, leave it there.

NEVER EVER BE FEARFULL BECAUSE REMEMBER THEY ALL LIVE ON FEAR.

Even though you are muscular don't expect to kill Freddy.

Cut out all your lights.

Never lock doors and stand in a corner...the killer can trap and kill you.

Even though you lift weights and work out you can not kill a dream.

Children can die in horror movies, A Nightmare On Elm Street Freddy Krueger was a child killer. Sleepaway Camp, the first one, the kids were like 14 or 15 (Scream is the exception).

If you get a strange phone call, from a strange person, do not LOCK the door! It will probaly be your only way out. Besides, the killer probaly knows the door is locked anyway.

If you're hiding in a closet from a psycho-maniac, don't scream (halloween).

Once you have killed the bad guy DO NOT drop the weapon you have just used, no matter how shaged out you are, because the bad guy is bound to come back to life and use it to kill you!

Never try to box the killer, even if you are good. Despite the killer's lack of ringtime, he will always have more skills than you.

IF your parents kill a monster and you move away in disownment, take ALL your pictures with you. If you don't, the killer will see your face, hunt you down and rip your face off.

If you send the monster to hell do it right chances are the monster comes after you 30 yrs laster.

Always remain a virgin. No matter how tempting it is because sooner or later you will die.

If your girlfriend is a hot cheerleader dump her for the weird chick that nobody likes. (The cheerleader will only take you down with her, stick with the freak until half you're friends are dead, then RUN, you're a guy remeber).

Say it's a full moon out and you and a friend are walking around, sitting down, standing or whatever. He/She starts turning into a werewolf... slowly. Please... DON'T JUST STAND THERE AND WATCH UNLESS YOU PLAN TO HAVE YOUR HEAD TWISTED OFF AND SPIKED ON THE FLOOR/GROUND. Just RUN, YOU IDIOT, RUN!

If you know your son is dead and you decide to bring him back from the dead either prepare for a high death count or kill him yourself. Or better yet let the dea res in peace.


	2. Scream: The Exception

Scream

**Rules to succesfully survive a horror movie:**

You may not survive the movie if you have sex.

You may not survive the movie if you drink or do drugs.

You may not survive the movie if you say "I'll be right back", "Hello?" or "Who's there?"

Scream 2

**Rules to succesfully survive a horror movie sequel:**

1. The body count is always bigger.

2. The death scenes are always much more elaborate, with more blood and gore.

3. Randy starts to describe the third rule: "If you want your films to become a successful franchise, never, ever...' before being interrupted by Dewey. However, the film's original teaser trailer featured an extended version of the rules scene which reveals that originally the third rule was supposed to be "Never, ever, under any circumstances assume the killer is dead." This referenced Randy's last line in the first Scream which stated that a killer always comes back to life for one last scare.

The lack of a third rule in the film's final cut was a deliberate in-joke by the crew.

Scream 3

**Rules to succesfully survive the last chapter of a horror movie trilogy:**

1. You've got a killer who's gonna be superhuman. Stabbing him won't work, shooting him won't work. Basically in the third one, you gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up.

2. Anyone, including the main character, can die.

3. The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest! Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you.

Scream 4

**Rules to succesfully survive a horror movie remake:**

**1**. The death scenes have to be way more extreme.

2. Unexpected is the new cliche.

3. Virgins can die now.

4. To be the new version you know 2.0, the killer should be filming the murders.

5. You have to have an opening sequence.

6. Don't fuck with the original.

7. If you want to survive in a modern day horror movie, you pretty much have to be gay.


	3. Saw: The Easy Way Out

"Oh no! You cut off your own arm?!"

That's right... the SAW movies. All the traps Jigsaw designed can be escaped without actually causing major harm. It's messed up knowing this while watching it. If you ever find yourself playing a "game", remember to think logically.

Let's start with the traps.

1. Your foot is chained to a wall, you only have a hacksaw and some nearby toilets... then you're told to escape. Guess what? You don't need to cut the foot off! And why did the guy cut ABOVE the shackle anyways? If it couldn't be escaped, cut the foot and not the leg... duh. All right, then we saw the guy smash his foot with the back of the toilet and all I could think was, why didn't you use it to hit the wall where the chain is nailed in? Smash the tiles and walk away with the chain in your hand. Easy.

2. Do you remember the trap where the girl reached up into a trap to grab the needle and put both hands through? If she had kept one, she could have used it to open the other blades and used the needle to fight the toxins in her body. So, before you put your arms in anything, stop andf think it out!

3. The 10-pints of blood trap- They had to fill a beacon with blood inside a trap or they would be locked in there forever. Well, guess what? You can puke, pee, throw clothes in, anything. It doesn't HAVE to be blood.

4. The Scale Trap- Whatever weighs the most will survive. Guess what? You have shoes, clothes, you can cut the table, you don't need to cut off your arm. Silly people. Let the other person chop off their arm, your average boot wears more than that skinny person's arm anyways!

5. Hair trap- Tell him where the knife is and you can get a hair cut. Simple.

I don't understand why they hurt themselves when they could easily outsmart Jigsaw. It's not even difficult to do. But to avoid being tortured, just appreciate your life.

Now let's get to the funny aspects and leave that grim stuff alone for now...

When you get chained and you are completely alone, guess what? Calling for help doesn't do much but waste your energy. It's not like Jigsaw's going to be like, "Oh? You need help? All right, I'll take away the traps I dedicated my life to to set you free without testing you." So, don't scream.

When you have someone else in the trap with you, remember, they want to live and they are equally as desperate as you are. So... don't trust them to help you too much. They will set off the trigger and you will have a minute to do anything. Be calm, let them know you want to work together and the second they look away, get ready to be betrayed.

When you hear the trap, don't talk over it, just listen to the words carefully, there are some nifty clues you can use later on in it. Also, time limits are only time limits if he says, "The device on your head will snap shut in 60 seconds" in trials, the time is more like suggestions for you to review your behavioral patterns. So don't rush and end up opening the door making your partner's head explode... all right?

Never use drugs or you are an easy catch for Jigsaw. So, before smoking, think about volunteering instead. Until the traps are over for at least two years, do everything you can to make the best of your life... according to Jigsaw's standards.

If you committed a crime, go to the police and ask to hang out with them all the time.


	4. Child's Play: Growing Up

**_Just for loob88 :) You wanted Child's play, you got it. _  
**

**Grow Up -** It sounds simple, but takes an awfully long time. In the first three _Child's Play_ movies, Chucky is on a desperate struggle to transfer his soul in a child's body to start his life over.

He chooses a young target in poor Andy and the rest is cinematic history. If Chucky is after you, the waiting game may be your best option, but Andy became a target once again as a teen in _Child's Play 3_ so anything could happen.

**Learn Voodoo -** Chucky uses sophisticated voodoo to transfer his soul, so instead of accepting your fate, turn the tables and Chucky and learn voodoo yourself.

Learn reversible curses, voodoo blocks and everything you can to keep the clouds swirling, lightning striking and the soul transformation that Chucky desperately wants.

**Use your Strength -** Without the knife, Chucky is merely a plastic doll, and certainly one that you can take advantage of. Pick him up, throw him or even tear his arm off. You must remember tossing around your little sister's dolls when you were little and Chucky is no different.

Just make sure you get the job done, because Chucky will return with a vengeance.

**Keep a Lighter Handy -** In both _Child's Play_ and _Child's Play 2_, Chucky was destroyed by fire, his ultimate weakness.

Use a lighter, gasoline, or even fireworks to light a flame under the Good-Guy doll. He'll be melting before you know it and end up as a pile of plastic. Just make sure you reclaim that plastic and dispose of it because on multiple occasions Chucky has come back from the "dead."

**Look out for his wife -** As seen in _Bride of Chucky_ and _Seed of Chucky_, his wife Tiffany can spring up in multiple situations. When they aren't constantly bickering, they are working together to find the perfect bodies for their transformation.

While all the tips may sound easy, you can't take Chucky for granted and just dismiss him as a doll because so many victims have died thinking the same thing.

Watch all five _Child Play_ movies to brush up on his methods and murder spree that made him so famous.


	5. The Grudge: Plastic Bags

1. Avoid all trash/plastic bags

2. Wear sensible shoes. But this is a must but rarely followed rule in all horror movies

3. Avoid white rooms.

4. DO NOT PEAK AROUND CORNERS

5. If the lights go out/ flicker turn around and walk back from where you just came from

6. Avoid Bathtubs

7. The Grudge likes using camera and the such, avoid them

8. If you hear a cat meow or scream, especially if a pale little boy makes it, run like hell.

9. Pale white boy is a sign that doom is coming. Run.

10. If the body is dead, no matter how close you are to the dead person, run.

11. NEVER LOOK BEHIND YOU

12. Avoid Closets

13. Avoid Attics

14. If someone starts acting more aggressive and angry then normal, and begins to cut away dry wall, they are more then likely possessed, avoid them.

15. If you start finding long black hair everywhere, your dead.

16. If the cursed room/house door is partly open, Don't. Open. The. Door.

17. Avoid all stairs.

18. Avoid doll houses

19. If the chick who live next store starts putting newspaper up everywhere in her home, Move.

20. If there have been more then 5 murders/mysterious disappearance in your house/ apartment, DO NOT MOVE IN. DO NOT LIVE NEXT STORE. DO NOT SEEK OUT ANY RELATIVES.

21. DON'T GO IN CURSED HOUSE OR APARTMENT.

22. If your are a journalist, well, i could tell you to stop looking into the story, but you won't, so continue about your business (and die).

23. Don't touch The mysterious puddle on the floor.

If you follow these simple rules, you might, just might, survive to the then die in the first 15 minuets.


	6. The Ring: More Demons

'The Ring' movie is about a haunted video tape. If you watch this video tape, 7 days later, a girl will climb through your TV set and kill you. If you would like to watch this video tape and not have to worry about the consequences, we have come up with 3 simple ways to do so…

1. Get rid of your television

No TV, no problem. If you don't want to get rid of your television….

2. Turn your television set on it's front and sit on it

This is what we call 'check mate' in the 'flaws in horror movies' world. Also, If you are feeling brave, you could taunt her at the same time. If you don't like the sound of either of those you could wait until the 7th day and…

3. Invite all your friends round, tool up….and wait for her….

Stack the odds in your favor. Make sure the first thing that bitch sees, when she pokes the top of her head through your wide screen, is 15 strong, bat swinging bastards. More noise the better


	7. Silent Hill: 8 Rules

**Silent Hill, another request. **

1. Motivation to look for a loved one ( Anyone would have left after the first monster encounter... unless you were looking for someone that you loved).

2. Mental stability (if you didn't you'd break down and start crying after a few minutes) to take almost anything thrown at you.

3. Will power- everyone that had it lasted pretty long.

4. No combat experience. Alex is the one with THREE bad endings, while the inexperienced ones usually have 1. I wish I fit this bill but oh well.

5. Pretend to be dead.

6. Don't follow the unnaturally fast children you meet.

7. As a last resort... I'd disguise myself as a monster...

8. And if that didn't work... I'd steal Pyramid Head's great knife or the Great Cleaver and kill everything in sight.


End file.
